I'm afraid to run.
It's hard for me to just to say that. But it's true. I'm afraid to go running.
I've got a whole variety of emotions tumbling around in my head right now. Sadness. Anger. Fear. Anxiety. Guilt.
My heart is still aching for Holly and Preston and I think I'll feel that way for a while. But now that the initial shock of Shane's passing has gone, I'm discovering new emotions that I have to work through. My usual defense to feeling sad and upset is to go run and work off some of that emotion and to get those endorphins rolling. But this time the stress that I'm feeling stems from running.
I thought about going for a run today after work. I thought it might help me focus and clear my head. But when I thought about lacing up my running shoes and heading outdoors all I felt was anxiety. I immediately thought about Shane. I thought, "Shane was healthy and fit. And he died while running. I'm healthy and fit. That could happen to me too."
See, I've read about tragedies like Shane's death in news articles all the time. You know, the athletes and runners who experienced heart failure, who otherwise seemed healthy. I've known that things like that happen often enough. But I always think, "Thank goodness it's not me. Thank goodness this will never happen to me." But my reality is now so very different. There's a difference between reading about someone dieing in a running event, and finding a friend in a ditch on the side of the road then trying to bring him back to life.
There's a huge difference. And I can't get that moment out of my head. And because of that, and because of the fear that it gives me, I can't put my running shoes on. In fact, when I think about going for a run I want to take my shoes and throw them at something breakable. I'm so angry! And more than that -- why am I still able to run, but Shane is not? What's so special about me? He was healthier than me. I feel guilty that my feet are still able to take me places. Fear, anger, and guilt. Not a good combination.
Before last weekend I felt that running was such a huge part of my life. I felt that running defined a lot of who I was. Will I ever be able to lace up my shoes again? I hope so. And I'll fight hard to overcome all of the emotions so that in the future I can put those shoes back on. But for now, I think I need a little break. It may only be a few days. It may be a couple of weeks. It may be months. I don't know. I'm just not ready to put my running shoes on.
Any advice? Any help?
Thank you all again for your love and support. Keep those good vibes going to Holly and little Preston.
I'm not very good with dealing with the emotional side of things (as my wife would attest!), so I'll just suggest something for the psychological side: Go get an ECG (EKG) of your heart. I have no idea of Shane's medical history, but a lot stories I've heard/read involving a healthy athlete who suddenly dies have the common denominator of an undetected congenital heart defect. The defect often shows no symptoms whatsoever. With few exceptions, an ECG will be able to tell you if you have an undetected heart defect. ECG's are mandated for high school athletes in many European countries (source). I've had the painless test done on several different occasions, and it brings peace of mind to me (and my wife) whenever we hear tragic stories such as Shane's.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't feel bad about taking a break from running for a bit. I doubt Shane would want you to quit running forever, but taking a break is very understandable.
Christy, I ran this morning for the first time since the race. Mile 1 was the hardest mile of my lifetime. It was also the most important mile. I committed to never take the finish line for granted. And to never get frustrated when I can't knock down a PR. But I was born to run. Weren't you?
ReplyDeleteHi Christy. I am sorry to hear about your friend. A tragic event like that always takes time to walk through and truly accept. Take your time... get your head and your heart right before you get your running shoes right. You'll get back on track. It seems as if running's too much a part of you to just ignore or avoid for the rest of your life. Everything will be okay :)
ReplyDeleteWhen I trained for the 2009 Marine Corps marathon I spent most of my running time thinking about those that can’t run. It didn’t matter what the reason: Maybe they couldn’t run because they were injured in war, maybe they couldn’t run because they were undergoing chemo therapy and they were too weak, maybe because their life was taken all too soon. Regardless of the reason, they couldn’t do it. But I could.
ReplyDeleteTwo weeks after the marathon, my father passed. Two weeks after that, I ran the Florida Ragnar with you. The entire time I ran my father weighed heavy on my mind. By this time I had run in 5 running events in my life and my father had never been able to make it to any of them. This was the first time he’d be able to watch, albeit high from the clouds in heaven.
Even though a lot has changed in my life since training last year, I still continue to run for my father and all the others who can’t. God didn’t bless me with a runner’s physique or any special gift. My gait is terrible, my foot strikes awkwardly on the ground with each stride, and despite all the effort I exude I’m no faster than the average runner. But hey, at least I can run, right? And for that, I have to be thankful.
I can’t tell you how to cope Christy. If you ask Amy, she’ll probably tell you I’m the worst person to ask a question like that to. I can tell you though, that next time I lace up, and maybe every time I lace up, I will continue to tell myself to do it for those who can’t. I’ll think of individuals like Shane while I’m running. I visualize all of them, crowded around a finish line somewhere cheering me on. I’m running in their honor, for them to see.
Try visualizing Shane standing at that finish line waiting for you. He’s not there to see you stop running, he’s there to watch you at your peak. He wants you to keep running and finish strong. He’s cheering you on Christy.
I love you, Christy. I know you will pull through this because you are such a strong person.
ReplyDelete1. As we discussed before, go get a physical by your doctor so you KNOW you're healthy and fit and he'll be able to calm your fears on that front.
ReplyDelete2. Go message Ulyana: http://shapedbyrunning.blogspot.com/
She lost a friend while they were both running the same marathon. She went through so many of the emotions you are experiencing and then some. She might have some great advice for you.
3. Go for a walk. A long walk. Think about all the reasons you're Sad, Angry, Scared, Anxious and feel Guilty. Maybe that walk will turn into a run. Maybe it won't. But putting one foot in front of the other starts with one step and turns to two...
I love you. I wish I were closer so I could give you a hug. You WILL get through this, it just may take some time.
I think it's natural for you to have those feelings, and frankly if you didn't feel those things then maybe you'd have to worry.
ReplyDeleteMany of us runners won't experience such a traumatic experience as you were unfortunate enough to encounter. You're left with a heavy heart and distressing memories, so of course it's going to weigh on you especially now.
If I were in your situation I would take a break from running, maybe hit the bike hard or elliptical or something. I'd try and expel those thoughts from my mind as much as possible, knowing of course that they won't ever be fully expelled.
Maybe you have some old race playlists that you can listen to while you bike and do other stuff, or maybe while you are just around the house or whatever, and maybe that will get you mentally back to where you were before, or close to it anyway. I have some old race playlists that when I listen to them I get some memories from the races believe it or not, so perhaps that could also work for you.
You're tough, though. I know you can get through it, as tough as it is right now.
Oh Christy, this makes me so sad. I have these exact feelings. In fact, I have said in my head a few times that I will never run again. Running killed my husband. I think we have the right to hate running for a while.
ReplyDeleteBut then you have to move on. Remember the hundreds of runners who ran up that hill and made it down the other side? It won't happen to you Christy. It happened to Shane because it was supposed to happen to Shane. No physical or medical exam could have told him this would happen.
Love you Christy. Please go running for both of us. It will probably take me much longer, but I hated running before the race.
Christy -
ReplyDeleteHearing the story of Shane's passing during Ragnar had many on my team, especially myself, thinking, "That could have been me."
I can't even pretend to understand what you and your team must be experiencing/feeling, but I can wish that you are able to recapture the calm and soothing feeling that running previously provided to you. Running sometimes feels like my only connection to sanity and has always been a large part of my healing process - I hope very much that you can find that again.
Holly - I am so utterly impressed with your strength. Posting to Christy that she must continue to run is amazing and truly inspirational. Your family is in my thoughts.
Best,
Elizabeth
Christy-
ReplyDeleteChris and I went out for our first run the other day. Running it together really helped. We talked about everything that had happened and we prayed for Holly and Preston... it helped. Take some time, but when you are ready, find someone you can run with, even if in silence.
Thank you for posting all that you have.
And to Holly-I will send you a note as well, but as the pp said, I am truly impressed with your strength that you have exhibited throughout this whole tragedy. You are much too young to have such a heavy heart and have to deal with such heavy emotions, and yet you have shown strength, encouragement, and hope for all those around you. I continue to pray for you and your family everyday.
Sarah
Christy-
ReplyDeleteI too have had the same feelings you are now feeling. Like Josh, I tell myself I'm running for those who can't. My brother-in-law who was a very close friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver as I was running upon the scene to receive water from him. My wife and I actually tossed away our running shoes as soon as we got home. Soon after my father in-law talked to us, telling us that we couldn't quit because that isn't what my brother would want us to do. It would hurt him badly to know that his death is what made us stop running. We decided we would run again, doing it in his honor. It still took a lot of strength to put on those running shoes and hit the trail. As a team we decided we would each finish our legs in his honor. A lot of our team was in other parts of the country but those of us who could ran together. It has almost been a year and at times it is still hard for me to run. Don't be surprised when emotions stop you mid run and you're gasping for breath. I will pray for you and hope you can find your own way of getting back on the saddle. Best wishes.
Christy,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about the emotions that are tied to those types of experiences.
Morgan has some great advice.
Most of all, I would try to work out your thoughts and feelings. They are there for a reason. And don't forget to pray. Christ suffered everything we do and can truly empathize and bring you comfort I know that!
My prayers will be with you and with Holly and her son.
Beth Butterworth