Sweaty embarrassment

Last night at the gym was eventful, to say the least.

Of course, I was on the treadmill, watching me some WWF. Not by choice, of course, but I won't lie and say I wasn't slightly entertained by all of the fake punches and facial grimaces. And over-sized, muscle-y men in lavender tights? Well, if not attractive, it was certainly laughable and entertaining.

Anyway, back to the point.

So there I was, about 3 miles into my run, when someone got on the second treadmill to my right. No big deal, right? Anyway, this guy started running, and I've got my earphones turned up pretty loud. And when I say "loud", I mean loud as in I can't even hear my own breathing or feet pounding on the treadmill. As soon as this guy picks up speed all I can hear is BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM.

Holy shiz! If I could hear him over the screaming chorus of "New Born" by Muse, I figured he had to have been at least 250 pounds. At least. So I looked over my right shoulder expecting to see a contestant from The Biggest Loser. Nope, this guy was, at MOST, a buck thirty five. Skinny and lanky. He had the funniest running gait I'd ever seen.

Unfortunately, his lack of apparent weight and muscle wasn't the only thing that caught me off guard. At first I noticed the wife beater tank. Not so unusual in a gym. And then I saw what he was wearing on the bottom (get your minds out of the gutter...I wasn't trying to slyly stare at his ass). I notice a pair of Wrangler-tight LONG jeans. Not shorts, pants. And to top it all off, he coupled the tight jeans with skater-type Vans shoes. WHAT?!?!

I had to stop myself from laughing right then and there. It really was THAT comical. Seriously, dude. Is that comfortable?! There must have been severe rubbing in places that should only be talked about in the presence of a doctor. Maybe this guy was poor, and couldn't afford a pair of decent workout clothes? I try not to jump to conclusions and give him the benefit of the doubt. But, really. C'mon. If you can afford a $30 per month gym membership, you can most certainly afford a pair of $10 gym shorts from Wal-Mart. Heck, I bet even the Goodwill has a pair for $2. Anything has got to be more comfortable than running in skin-tight long jeans.

And then he started running faster than me, and it really pissed me off. I mean, who wears jeans and skater shoes and runs faster than me? Luckily for my ego, he could only keep up that pace for a couple of minutes. Whew! Ego restored.

And this isn't even the best part of the story, my friends. No, just when you think it can't get any better it most certainly does.

So, I finish up my treadmill miles, and by this time Cowboy Tight Jeans is over in the weights section. Unfortunately that is just where I was headed. I still had an upper body workout to attend to, and most of it is done using free weights. Yep, the very section Tight Jeans is in. Not that this mattered, but I really didn't want to have to keep back my laughter at the ridiculous sight of this man.

I start working on my abs, and from the corner of my eye I see Tight Jeans right behind me. It was a bit creepy, to say the least. And then he interrupted me.

"Hi. I'm sorry if I'm bothering you, but I just wanted to introduce myself."

Oh, no...... At this point I was looking him right in the face and realized that he was not a man at all. He was a boy. Maybe, maybe 20 years old at the most.

"Well, umm, yeah, I just wanted to introduce myself. My name is Brian."

Silence....you could hear the crickets.

"Umm, hi...." That's all I could think to say out loud. This is what was actually going on in my head:

Seriously? Seriously?!?! I'm drenched in sweat, my legs aren't shaved, I look like a fat ass, I'm trying to work out, you look like the uni-bomber. Damn it! I'm not wearing my wedding ring! Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!

Yes, folks. During the second or two that my mind was furiously raging with these thoughts I inadvertently looked down at my ring finger and realized I wasn't wearing my ring. I always wear my ring to the gym. But earlier I had decided to take it off because I knew I was going to lift dumbbells, and they tend to scratch up my ring. So I took it off about 5 minutes before walking out the door.

And then I just felt bad for the kid. He started stammering on, and I could tell he was really nervous.

"Like I said, my name's Brian. I come here a lot. Usually on my lunch breaks. But I couldn't leave without introducing myself. I was noticing you on the treadmill. And, well, my name is Brian...and I was wondering if...if you'd like to go out sometime."

OH, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At this point I was wholly embarrassed. Not just for him, but for myself. I really just wanted to laugh out loud. But then i would've hurt his feelings, and he was probably going to feel like an idiot anyway as soon as I said this:

"That's nice. But I'm married."

And his face just fell. And got bright red. And then he started stammering on again.

"Oh. Well, okay. Yeah. Okay. Well, see ya later." And he made quick for the exit.

So I was forced to stand there in utter shock. And then the laughter came. And
I couldn't even work out anymore.

So, my 7 miles I put in on the treadmill were great, but somehow it was all trumped by the fact that I got asked out by a uni-bomber look-a-like in tight jeans and a wife beater. Let's hope I don't run into him at the gym anymore.